A Pandemic of Epic Proportions

Throughout history the extinction of man has seemed all but eminent. Natural and manmade disasters have destroyed a countless number of human lives and have affected us, our neighbors, and our unborn children. On November 19, a disaster, struck our great planet, and has begun to destroy households, cities, and several small countries. This disaster I speak of was released on humanity, without any preconceived warning, this disaster is the abomination known as, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or The Harry Potter Flu, taken root in our communities with no cure in sight. As the disease spreads a mass hysteria has over come many of this nations great cities.  Scientists have begun to compile evidence on the origin of this deadly disease and all signs point towards London. Government officials have begun to issue statements but many of which fall on deaf ears due to the hysteria. The President of the United States has issued a state of emergency in many areas and has commissioned the Center for Disease Control to investigate this horrendous disease.

 On Monday morning the Center for Disease Control issued a statement in regards to the current outbreak of the Harry Potter Flu. In the statement the CDC advised the public of the United States to refrain from travel this holiday season, due to the infectious nature of this disease. The disease is easily transmitted through the air with early symptoms ranging from psychotic distress, slight loss of eye sight, and an unexplained urge to rest broom sticks near ones nether regions. The CDC has also advised those who must travel this holiday season to allow the specially trained agents of the TSA to search ones person and belongings for early signs of this deadly disease.

While those who must undergo these heightened TSA security measures may feel as if their personal privacy may have been compromised, they must understand that these security measures are for their own safety, and not for one’s personal enjoyment. As the news reports surfaced yesterday of TSA agents forcing young children to disrobe and allow invasive searches, an outrage erupted across the nation for the dismantling of this government agency. The public must understand that these measures are for their own personal safety, since these “children” are the main vessels of this deadly disease.

As I have begun to study this disease, a harsh reality has set in; we are on the verge of apocalypse. This disease has begun to erode at our very existence. As those close to your begin to send text messages ordering those around them to “cast some spells” or brooms begin to disappear from your local hardware stores, ask yourself if this is the world you want to live in. Do you want to sit back and wait for the infection or do you want to be like mankind’s greatest hero, Ben Affleck? As those around you begin to fall subject to this disease, do one thing, remember the Armageddon of the 1990’s and the sacrifices Ben Affleck made for your freedom and the freedoms of those around you.

A Journey in Search of the Unknown

I was aboard a flight to a land unknown. I was told it was a place of wonder and excitement, populated with the strange beasts of the past. This was an exit from reality, an exit from the lifestyle which has dictated my every thought and action. This flight was my ticket to a new dimension, a new reality, a new me. This flight was bound for the far-off land known as San Diego.

In my early years, it was bestowed upon me that the land of San Diego was a magical place where one’s wildest dreams were destined to come true. San Diego is the place where a lonely news broadcaster, known as Ron Burgundy, could become one of the most influential men in America. It is a place where giant fish are kept as pets and used for transportation for some, and amusement for all. San Diego is the place where bear like creatures, once exiled from China, could congregate in a free, unrestricted environment. San Diego is the definition of paradise, a world without negative emotion, a world where one could truly be.

 I began to settle on the plane as my body trembled from excitement and wonder. I thought of all of the sadness of my past, and how it would all be lifted away at the first breath of that fresh San Diego air. I could become whoever I wanted to be, create a new life, create a new me.  

As I stepped out of the airport in San Diego my first breath was that of exhaust fumes, and body odor. The sky was grey and the air was sticky. The idea of paradise had come crashing down in a single instance. I was overwhelmed by sadness unlike any other, and a single tear fell from my eye. My dreams would forever be what they were, dreams. At that moment I knew what I had to do, I had to find the truth, and I had to tell the world.

I began to scour this once magical land in search of what once was, only to face the daunting reality that this once perceived paradise did not exist. The world renowned new broadcaster was but only a fictional character, created only to tease the imagination. The giant fish, which I believed were used for transportation and amusement, were subject to slavery. These fish, or killer whales, have been subject to scornful controversy in recent years, which was based on allegations of murder by the leader, Shamu. Shamu was sentenced to the harshest form of capital punishment without due process, which is guaranteed in a document called the Constitution of the United States. The bear like creatures were no different, forced to procreate on every possible occasion, only to have their precious offspring ripped from their paws and never to be seen or heard from again. San Diego is not a land of mystical wonder. It is only but a place where dreams go to die. A graveyard of childhood wonder, a world of deception.

 As I leave this place called San Diego my mind can only hope. I can only hope that this idea of paradise does exist somewhere, and that this idea of paradise is not just a façade. The façade based on the hopes of what may be.

The Sociological Study of a Foreign Being

This is the study of Robert McGee, a 21 year old intern with a desire unlike any other. Robert hails from the great state of Indiana, and is working on his bachelor’s degree at George Washington University.  Robert seems like any regular college student on paper, but to the naked eye there is an obvious problem. Robert is a ginger.

Gingers are a species that are not well documented; apparently Steve Irwin did not see the importance in the study of these creatures. I on the other hand have taken it upon myself to study this specimen, and to document my findings for the future generations. This study will focus on all aspects of this gingers life in order to determine how we, as scientists, can help these creatures or destroy if needed.

The history of gingers is a complex one, with folk tales dating back to the beginning of time.These folk tales speak of the ginger greats such as Queen Elizabeth I, Napoleon, and Seth Green. As a scientist, discerning the fact from fiction is the most strenuous and sometimes impossible. The ginger history is a secret one, with only a few guardians of this story remaining. These guardians are known as Conan O'Brien, Reba McIntyre, and The Undertaker. These guardians have begun documenting the little known ginger history on what they call interactive plays, or commonly known as crap.

Due to the amount of discrepancies in these interactive plays, I have begun studying the one they call Robert McGee. This personal study has led me to several conclusions about the attributes of these creatures.  These attributes will be followed by instances, of the ginger personality. I will warn you, some of them are quite extreme. These attributes are as follows:

Gingers have a tendency to be back stabbers (Judas Iscariot)

Gingers have a horrendous sense of direction (Christopher Columbus, and really any woman)

Gingers have a been known to hold false records (Mark McGuire)

Gingers do not know when to quit (Axl Rose)… and some just can’t (Lindsey Lohan)

Gingers are quite ticklish (Elmo)

Gingers have the ability to convert into cartoon form (Wilma Flintstone, Daphne Blake)

Gingers have mastered the art of, what they call, the Total Gym (Chuck Norris)

The most disturbing is that Gingers have a history of becoming dangerously irate when realizing they have nothing else to contribute to society (Danny Bonaduce)

But when they can contribute to the advancement of society they are honored like gods

(George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Ewan McGregor)

Now this study is far from over. As a scientist, there are still far too many questions and not enough answers. I can assure you that this documentation of gingers will be unlike any of its kind. Hypothesis will be formed and theories will be debunked. (That awkward guy from Mythbusters) My only fear is that this scientific process does not drive me mad in the process. (Jim Carey) 8 gingers + 15 gingers = 23 gingers…. 23

Arch Nemesis: The IT Guy

So I have looked into the eyes of the beast, the one they call Lucifer. He is the illegitimate child of George Costanza and Janeane Garofalo riddled with the ever lasting effects of fetal alcohol syndrome. His hatred of me can be seen in every movement of his self tormented body and heard in every constricted breath. He is the one they call the IT Guy.

His hatred for me traces back to the beginning of time, well really only a couple of days ago. I have recently relocated to pursue a new position with my company in a much larger city, in a much larger office, with a much larger ego floating in the air. Now, this concept of an IT guy is some what new to me. From what I can tell, he is an over paid, glorified, Rent-A-Nerd. His hatred of me comes from one instance... the time I put a Cheeto in his ass crack.

Now you may ask yourself, why the hell did you put a Cheeto in his ass crack? Well it is simple... the idea came to me while he was doing his only job that he is needed for, plugging my computer into the extension cord under my desk. What would you do for 100 grand a year? During his dissent into the abyss, or what they call under my desk, I caught a glimpse of the Garden of Eden. The serpent had tempted me with the apple and I chose to partake. The apple rose so slightly from the beasts low rise white washed jeans and hid below his chocolate stained, unwashed flannel shirt. I on the other hand stood there in awe, mouth open and bug eyed. I was looking at the Arc of the Covenant and my first set of breasts in middle school, all at the same time.

Before I knew that I was in a trance, my hand grabbed a Cheeto. The texture felt like heaven in my hand, this was meant to be. As I inserted the Cheeto into the crevice, the beast awoke. Rage turned his eyes red and his coffee stained teeth snarled in great discontent.  I stared the beast in the eye, and in that instance I knew why I came here, it all made sense, I was to slay the beast and save the princess.