So I have looked into the eyes of the beast, the one they call Lucifer. He is the illegitimate child of George Costanza and Janeane Garofalo riddled with the ever lasting effects of fetal alcohol syndrome. His hatred of me can be seen in every movement of his self tormented body and heard in every constricted breath. He is the one they call the IT Guy.
His hatred for me traces back to the beginning of time, well really only a couple of days ago. I have recently relocated to pursue a new position with my company in a much larger city, in a much larger office, with a much larger ego floating in the air. Now, this concept of an IT guy is some what new to me. From what I can tell, he is an over paid, glorified, Rent-A-Nerd. His hatred of me comes from one instance... the time I put a Cheeto in his ass crack.
Now you may ask yourself, why the hell did you put a Cheeto in his ass crack? Well it is simple... the idea came to me while he was doing his only job that he is needed for, plugging my computer into the extension cord under my desk. What would you do for 100 grand a year? During his dissent into the abyss, or what they call under my desk, I caught a glimpse of the Garden of Eden. The serpent had tempted me with the apple and I chose to partake. The apple rose so slightly from the beasts low rise white washed jeans and hid below his chocolate stained, unwashed flannel shirt. I on the other hand stood there in awe, mouth open and bug eyed. I was looking at the Arc of the Covenant and my first set of breasts in middle school, all at the same time.
Before I knew that I was in a trance, my hand grabbed a Cheeto. The texture felt like heaven in my hand, this was meant to be. As I inserted the Cheeto into the crevice, the beast awoke. Rage turned his eyes red and his coffee stained teeth snarled in great discontent. I stared the beast in the eye, and in that instance I knew why I came here, it all made sense, I was to slay the beast and save the princess.
No comments:
Post a Comment