Everybody's Trying to Get Some: Sarah Palin Edition

As a fan of Sarah Palin, the great actress of star studded films such as Who’s Nailin Palin? Moose Knuckle Mayhem and Alaskan Ass Adventures 16, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that she has returned to the public spot light.

News broke yesterday of the upcoming release of Sarah’s critically acclaimed autobiography. The book details Sarah’s sexual encounters with former NBA All-Star Glen Rice, we all knew he was good at nailing 3’s.  The steamy affair took place in the late 1980’s while Glen was the star basketball player at the University of Michigan. This was the surprising part, because geography class in high school taught us that Michigan is home to the world’s most mythical creatures, gingers. Glen Rice, however is black (well before he got the NBA money because we all know what money does, it makes you tip at restaurants).

Now, my math ain’t too good, due to public education and a severe case of assburgers, but something doesn’t add up. I assume Sarah Palin is white (that’s how she looks in the movies and since all movies are real I’ll mark one down for white). Add in a future NBA player before he got money and what do you get? One white girl, who is a future porn star + One black guy, who is a future NBA star, equals….

After placing the algebraic equation into my handy dandy Texas Instruments graphing calculator, that I had to buy for high school but never used because of that damn game snake, the answer is…. A Kardashian.   

Coming to age in America

As we all come to age in America the simple pleasures of our past life seem to disappear. These pleasures are then replaced by a various number of monotonous tasks such as going to work, paying bills, and of course the unencumbered pressures by one’s mother to produce offspring, or mistakes

When I was growing up I clearly remember learning the phrase “you learn through your mistakes.” I, however, have begun to see these “mistakes” quite differently. As a child of the Facebook era, I am bombarded on a daily basis of pictures of “mistakes,” and the “happiness” which it brings these individuals which created them. This “happiness” has created the need for massive amount of antacids and numerous trips to a therapist.

Upon further review of those who have created these “mistakes” it only takes three kindergarteners to realize that the current gene pool has been tainted. It has been tainted by the need to glorify one’s “mistakes” on the social networks. Today’s social networks should not only be used to display one’s “mistakes” but to also educate those on what “mistakes” should not be made. As a whole our country is not learning from these “mistakes” and the immanent future seems grim.

If you begin to study those who have made these “mistakes” you will begin to recognize why this is such a problem. This morning alone I noticed the guy who used to eat super glue in high school has produced two “mistakes,” both of which will surely grow up to do the same. This not only places a burden on this countries supply of super glue but will surely affect the collective cognitive ability of our country as a whole.

 In closing, this is a plea to save our country. If you see a “producer” displaying their “mistakes” in public let them know. If you do not, your future will be doomed. A new generation of useless individuals, such as the cast of Glee, or the entire state of Alabama will surely destroy our way of life as we know it.

A Modern Day Spanish Inquisition

Throughout my wonderful collegiate career I learned many of useless things; the co-sign of a green trash can in the quad is not something that I have used on a daily basis. I did however acquire a skill which has helped me to succeed and that is the ability to adapt.  In my many semester hours of useless classes, such as Business Calculus, Sociology of Marriage and Family(neither of which really exist), and Woman and Gender Studies, I have acquired the ability to morph my attributes to match those in my current surroundings. The most recent attribute, which I had to dig out from under painful memories of the awkwardness that is called middle school, is the ability to speak Spanish.

The Spanish language is a complex language of letters and sounds that I can really understand unless under the influence or it is being spoken by the voluptuous women on Univision. In recent days I was spacing out in a random meeting about something which I should have paid attention to, but of course I had other things on my mind. Apparently during the course of this meeting I had acknowledged the fact that I had become fluent in Spanish, when in fact my knowledge of the Spanish language is confined to one simple phrase.

It was decided during this meeting that I would be one of the four representatives to a delegation which was visiting from somewhere in South America, I am still quite perplexed by this situation and do not really know the whole story. As we met with the delegation, the Spanish language was flying around like a pack of seagulls, I had no idea what was being said or agree up. During the awkward moment when I realized that questions were being directed towards me, I panicked. The only phrase my mush mouth could utter was “sus pantalonas es muy grande y pene es muy pequino.” Definition: Their pants are very large and their penis is very small. The room fell silent.

I have yet to return to the office since this incident, I been banished to the land of guidos and fist pumps, New Jersey. I am currently scheduled to return on Monday and the end of this so called career may be near the end, or I might just be the best thing on two legs since the hype man from the Kottonmouth Kings. The future is uncertain, but I have learned one thing, the difficulty of the Spanish language far surpasses that of any Sudoku puzzle.

The Addiction

Over the past several weeks my life has hit a downward spiral, with my current mental state close to that of Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shinning or that of Jeff Goldblum on a normal Sunday afternoon. The decline began several weeks ago with several life changing moments that will scar me for the rest of my life.The most recent of these occurrences shocked me greater than any of the previous. This is the story of how I have lost my mind, my soul, and my pride. This is the story of my addiction.

It all started several weeks ago when my own flesh and blood, my parents decided that I was not worthy enough to spend Thanksgiving with them. I was alone, I felt like Macaulay Culkin in his greatest role, Richie Rich. I was an orphan, a vagrant, an outcast. I needed to fill the void left by my so called family and friends. I turned to the most addictive substance known to man, I became addicted to YouTube.

Like any relationship, the beginning was glorious, and I was filled with foreign emotions. Videos of  precious cats, adorable monkeys, and ingenious pranks on drunken roommates fueled the passion. I belonged somewhere, someone actually wanted me to be around, I was deeply in love. A love that I have never experienced and words will never be able to describe, but as soon as it had arrived, it all disappeared.

The other night, I was all alone in my hotel room, like any other night. I was preparing myself for my next love affair with YouTube. The day before YouTube and I hit a snag in our relationship and the spark had begun to go out, we had to try something new. I had several ideas but the final destination was the downfall of the relationship. This destination is not one of the most proud moments of my life but I sat there, in the cold hotel room, mouth open and dry, my eyes were glazed over. I had become infatuated with a YouTube video of a person playing Justin Bieber on the clarinet. 

I don’t exactly remember how the night ended, but the next morning I awoke in shame, without any recollection of the previous nights events. I knew that I hurt someone that night, but whom. The haze from the past several weeks has imprinted itself onto the upper cortex on what is left of my mushy brain. I may never know exactly how the night ended but I do know one thing, my world will never be the same. 

A Pandemic of Epic Proportions

Throughout history the extinction of man has seemed all but eminent. Natural and manmade disasters have destroyed a countless number of human lives and have affected us, our neighbors, and our unborn children. On November 19, a disaster, struck our great planet, and has begun to destroy households, cities, and several small countries. This disaster I speak of was released on humanity, without any preconceived warning, this disaster is the abomination known as, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or The Harry Potter Flu, taken root in our communities with no cure in sight. As the disease spreads a mass hysteria has over come many of this nations great cities.  Scientists have begun to compile evidence on the origin of this deadly disease and all signs point towards London. Government officials have begun to issue statements but many of which fall on deaf ears due to the hysteria. The President of the United States has issued a state of emergency in many areas and has commissioned the Center for Disease Control to investigate this horrendous disease.

 On Monday morning the Center for Disease Control issued a statement in regards to the current outbreak of the Harry Potter Flu. In the statement the CDC advised the public of the United States to refrain from travel this holiday season, due to the infectious nature of this disease. The disease is easily transmitted through the air with early symptoms ranging from psychotic distress, slight loss of eye sight, and an unexplained urge to rest broom sticks near ones nether regions. The CDC has also advised those who must travel this holiday season to allow the specially trained agents of the TSA to search ones person and belongings for early signs of this deadly disease.

While those who must undergo these heightened TSA security measures may feel as if their personal privacy may have been compromised, they must understand that these security measures are for their own safety, and not for one’s personal enjoyment. As the news reports surfaced yesterday of TSA agents forcing young children to disrobe and allow invasive searches, an outrage erupted across the nation for the dismantling of this government agency. The public must understand that these measures are for their own personal safety, since these “children” are the main vessels of this deadly disease.

As I have begun to study this disease, a harsh reality has set in; we are on the verge of apocalypse. This disease has begun to erode at our very existence. As those close to your begin to send text messages ordering those around them to “cast some spells” or brooms begin to disappear from your local hardware stores, ask yourself if this is the world you want to live in. Do you want to sit back and wait for the infection or do you want to be like mankind’s greatest hero, Ben Affleck? As those around you begin to fall subject to this disease, do one thing, remember the Armageddon of the 1990’s and the sacrifices Ben Affleck made for your freedom and the freedoms of those around you.

A Journey in Search of the Unknown

I was aboard a flight to a land unknown. I was told it was a place of wonder and excitement, populated with the strange beasts of the past. This was an exit from reality, an exit from the lifestyle which has dictated my every thought and action. This flight was my ticket to a new dimension, a new reality, a new me. This flight was bound for the far-off land known as San Diego.

In my early years, it was bestowed upon me that the land of San Diego was a magical place where one’s wildest dreams were destined to come true. San Diego is the place where a lonely news broadcaster, known as Ron Burgundy, could become one of the most influential men in America. It is a place where giant fish are kept as pets and used for transportation for some, and amusement for all. San Diego is the place where bear like creatures, once exiled from China, could congregate in a free, unrestricted environment. San Diego is the definition of paradise, a world without negative emotion, a world where one could truly be.

 I began to settle on the plane as my body trembled from excitement and wonder. I thought of all of the sadness of my past, and how it would all be lifted away at the first breath of that fresh San Diego air. I could become whoever I wanted to be, create a new life, create a new me.  

As I stepped out of the airport in San Diego my first breath was that of exhaust fumes, and body odor. The sky was grey and the air was sticky. The idea of paradise had come crashing down in a single instance. I was overwhelmed by sadness unlike any other, and a single tear fell from my eye. My dreams would forever be what they were, dreams. At that moment I knew what I had to do, I had to find the truth, and I had to tell the world.

I began to scour this once magical land in search of what once was, only to face the daunting reality that this once perceived paradise did not exist. The world renowned new broadcaster was but only a fictional character, created only to tease the imagination. The giant fish, which I believed were used for transportation and amusement, were subject to slavery. These fish, or killer whales, have been subject to scornful controversy in recent years, which was based on allegations of murder by the leader, Shamu. Shamu was sentenced to the harshest form of capital punishment without due process, which is guaranteed in a document called the Constitution of the United States. The bear like creatures were no different, forced to procreate on every possible occasion, only to have their precious offspring ripped from their paws and never to be seen or heard from again. San Diego is not a land of mystical wonder. It is only but a place where dreams go to die. A graveyard of childhood wonder, a world of deception.

 As I leave this place called San Diego my mind can only hope. I can only hope that this idea of paradise does exist somewhere, and that this idea of paradise is not just a façade. The façade based on the hopes of what may be.

The Sociological Study of a Foreign Being

This is the study of Robert McGee, a 21 year old intern with a desire unlike any other. Robert hails from the great state of Indiana, and is working on his bachelor’s degree at George Washington University.  Robert seems like any regular college student on paper, but to the naked eye there is an obvious problem. Robert is a ginger.

Gingers are a species that are not well documented; apparently Steve Irwin did not see the importance in the study of these creatures. I on the other hand have taken it upon myself to study this specimen, and to document my findings for the future generations. This study will focus on all aspects of this gingers life in order to determine how we, as scientists, can help these creatures or destroy if needed.

The history of gingers is a complex one, with folk tales dating back to the beginning of time.These folk tales speak of the ginger greats such as Queen Elizabeth I, Napoleon, and Seth Green. As a scientist, discerning the fact from fiction is the most strenuous and sometimes impossible. The ginger history is a secret one, with only a few guardians of this story remaining. These guardians are known as Conan O'Brien, Reba McIntyre, and The Undertaker. These guardians have begun documenting the little known ginger history on what they call interactive plays, or commonly known as crap.

Due to the amount of discrepancies in these interactive plays, I have begun studying the one they call Robert McGee. This personal study has led me to several conclusions about the attributes of these creatures.  These attributes will be followed by instances, of the ginger personality. I will warn you, some of them are quite extreme. These attributes are as follows:

Gingers have a tendency to be back stabbers (Judas Iscariot)

Gingers have a horrendous sense of direction (Christopher Columbus, and really any woman)

Gingers have a been known to hold false records (Mark McGuire)

Gingers do not know when to quit (Axl Rose)… and some just can’t (Lindsey Lohan)

Gingers are quite ticklish (Elmo)

Gingers have the ability to convert into cartoon form (Wilma Flintstone, Daphne Blake)

Gingers have mastered the art of, what they call, the Total Gym (Chuck Norris)

The most disturbing is that Gingers have a history of becoming dangerously irate when realizing they have nothing else to contribute to society (Danny Bonaduce)

But when they can contribute to the advancement of society they are honored like gods

(George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Ewan McGregor)

Now this study is far from over. As a scientist, there are still far too many questions and not enough answers. I can assure you that this documentation of gingers will be unlike any of its kind. Hypothesis will be formed and theories will be debunked. (That awkward guy from Mythbusters) My only fear is that this scientific process does not drive me mad in the process. (Jim Carey) 8 gingers + 15 gingers = 23 gingers…. 23